How to not give a f*ck what others think #7

Thoughts about an irrational and unproductive obsession with what other people think of us.

Nov 01, 2023

I spent the last two weeks in Portugal for professional coaching training. Yes, seriously, coaching.

During one of the practice sessions with other participants, I realized that I kept coming back to a recurring topic in my mind.

The why

At first, I wanted to title this article "How to not give a f*ck what others think." But then I started to worry whether the f-word in the title would be too strong, and what others might think about the language. It is funny how even when we are trying to let go of what others think, we can still find ourselves getting caught up in it.1

Earlier this year, I quit my job to start my own business. Most people told me how courageous and bold this was, but for me, it was just a logical step towards my goals. However, as much as I tried to convince myself that I did not care what others thought, I still found myself seeking validation. It felt good and comforting to be seen as brave and courageous by others. I felt like a hero in my own story.

And let´s be honest: Who does not like to feel like a hero at times?

In parallel, I started writing, which was another thing I always wanted to do. As time went on, sharing my stories became more and more difficult. The reason? Work and life became more fluid and I fell in love with the process of becoming a better version of myself.2

Leaving old thoughts and beliefs behind. Allowing vulnerability into my life. On the surface, I told myself I didn't care and was being brave and courageous. But deep down, I was still holding back and exercising social caution because I was fearing what other people might think of me.

This led me to research the history of our obsession with what other people think of us. Turns out that it has been ingrained in us for thousands of years. Our need for social acceptance and approval was critical to our survival in the past, but civilization has dramatically changed since.

Our bodies and minds are built to live in a tribe in 50,000BC, which leaves modern humans with some traits, one of which is a fixation with tribal-style social survival. 3

Why else would we try on multiple outfits and are still not sure what to wear before going out?
Why would we spend so much time in the bathroom in the morning to look at ourselves in the mirror before leaving home (kudos in case you are skipping this step already)?
Why would we put filters on the pictures we share on social media?
Why would we go on a diet before summer only and not before winter?
Why would we pretend to know something about topics at work or in a group of friends even though we have no clue about it?
Why would we pretend to be happy about a present we received and in reality, we do not like? (remember that book, shower gel or pair of socks for Christmas)
Why would we stay in unhealthy relationships which do not empower us to be the best version of ourselves?
Why would we drive a car we cannot afford?
Why would we hold on to friends with whom we do not identify anymore?
Why would we do jobs which make us unhappy or even sick?
Why would we hold our breath and try to look super fit when overtaking someone during a run? (I am guilty of this one)
Want to add anything to the list? Let me know in the comments.
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Fear of others’ opinion vs desire for connection

Social connection is hard-wired in our DNA as human beings. But here's the thing: we all want to connect with others, but at the same time, we fear being judged. The question is, how can we balance these two opposing forces - our innate need for connection and our fear of judgment?

Actions I take to get rid of this fear:

Realize I am going to die

I remind myself at least once a day that I am going to die. I normalized the fact that my time is finite. I even prepared the top 3 songs to play at my funeral and the dress code for that day (certainly no suits!). This thought is powerful, as it motivates me to take risks and pursue my goals while avoiding regrets. It helps me to persevere through challenges.

Even Jeff Bezos does this. He calls this the “regret minimization framework.” The concept is simple: live a life by avoiding regrets as much as possible. This means taking more risks, and whenever anything looks like a good opportunity, going for it.

Exercise: Add this Browser extension (it is safe)and let it calculate how many weeks you have left to live.

It's been 1884 weeks since I was born. I have 2290 weeks until I turn 80 - if I make it that far.

I listen to my Authentic Voice 4

Our Authentic Voice is unafraid to be ourselves. Our Authentic Voice has its own nuanced moral code and knows what we truly enjoy. It often knows which step to take next but we forget to or do not want to listen to it. I actively try to listen to it and act upon it (like writing this article with this specific title).

Exercise: Write down the first thought you have right now when listening to your authentic voice. If you do not hear it, go back to step 1.

I found new tribes

In today’s world, it is impossible to please everyone. The good news is that we live in a hyperconnected world, and we can find new tribes easily. For me, it is important to surround myself with people who inspire me and support my goals. I have found new tribes of people (entrepreneurs, endurance athletes, adventurers) where I can be myself. Unfiltered.

There is still judgment. There will always be. In the end, we are humans. But I would rather be judged by people I look up to and can learn from than by those who do not inspire me and are stuck or resistant to change. It is also okay to realize that some old friendships do not serve you anymore.

Exercise: Research e.g. via apps other tribes you can connect to. I use meetup to find cool events or connect to a new community.

I make fun of myself

When people ask me whether I am going to save the world now or become a nomad, I answer that I am going to save the universe and become an astronaut. Self-deprecating humour is liberating and these days, it's essential to not take ourselves too seriously.

Exercise: Next time someone criticizes you or you feel it is the right moment (listen to your Inner Voice for that), crack a joke about yourself. It works wonders. I recently signed-up for a standup comedy course in Brussels to master that skill. So I could potentially even make money from joking about myself.

I found something I care about

I found something I want to spend my time on as an entrepreneur to make a difference. Something I care about and I am willing to be ridiculed for it. Some will like it, some not. And I am good with that.

Exercise: Think about the question of Mark Manson, the author of the book "The subtle art of not giving a f*ck":  What is so important in your life that you are willing to be ridiculed for it?

In sum

The world keeps on changing constantly and more and more people are realizing that fitting in does not mean satisfaction and happiness by default. We should surround ourselves with supportive people, listen to our Authentic Voice, not take ourselves too seriously, find something we care about and realize we are going to die.5

Next action:

Go and do stuff and don´t forget to stay awesome!

What is your present "not giving a fck" thought? Or when did you want to be the hero of your own story? Share it in the comments or send me a private message!*

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